Jeff Gainer

31 Cheyenne Trail

Hamilton, MT 59840

Tel: (406) 363-1461

email: gainerj@jeffgainer.com

Written by Jeff Gainer

ANDY TAYLOR ANDY GRIFFITH

BARNEY FIFE DON KNOTTS

GOMER PYLE JIM NABORS

GOOBER PYLE GEORGE LINDSEY

AUNT BEE FRANCES BAVIER

OPIE TAYLOR RONNY HOWARD

FLOYD LAWSON HOWARD McNEAR

ED SAWYER WILLIAM LANTEAU

HELEN CRUMP ANETA CORSANT

THELMA LOU BETTY LYNN

HOWARD SPRAGUE JACK DODSON

TOM STRONGBOW NORM ALDEN

OLIVE ALICE BACKES

FADE IN:

EXT. STREET SCENE - NIGHT

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SQUAD CAR - NIGHT:

BARNEY: It’s got to be that water pump, Ange.

ANDY: Well, we’ll just let her cool off ‘til we can drive back to the courthouse.

BARNEY: It’s been that way all week, you shoulda let me take her over to Wally’s before Goober had to go off to Mt. Pilot--

ANDY: (A little irritated) Yeah, Barney. . . .

BARNEY: If you woulda let me take it over we wouldn’t be stuck here, but no, and now Goober’s off to Mt. Pilot and who knows when we’ll get it fixed. . . .

ANDY: (More sharply now) Yes, Barney. . . .

BARNEY: And now, here we sit, lawmen without reliable transportation. We got to get some modernization around here, Andy--

Andy looks sharply at Barney.

BARNEY (quietly) Well--all I’m saying is that, well. . . the squad car don’t work and. . . maybe we should get us a motorcycle?

ANDY: We’ll just let her cool off and drive back to the courthouse.

BARNEY: Maybe we could just leave it here tonight, since we’re so close to Wally’s anyway.

(Suddenly, Andy sits forward, looking out the windshield.)

ANDY: Hey Barn--who’s that at the filling station?

ANDY: Looks like somebody trying’ to break in--we’d better go have a look.

BARNEY: Lemme get my bullet! (Barney frantically tries to extricate his bullet from his front pocket; nearly drops his pistol while getting out of the car.)

BARNEY: Hold it right there!

GOMER: Sur-prize, sur-prize, sur-prize!

SLOW DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WALLY’S FILLING STATION - NIGHT

GOMER: And well, then, see Wally, he give me the key, so’s I’d have a place to stay here at the fillin’ station ‘cause I don’t wanna be botherin’ Grandma Pyle since her rheumatism’s been actin’ up on her so I called Wally and asked could I stay here at the station while I was here and he told me how Goober’s in Mt. Pilot now and maybe could I help out at the station for a while ‘cause Goober’s outta town--did I mention Goober’s outta town?--Anyway, Ed Sawyer, he’s been helping out here at the station--ain’t he a nice feller that Ed? Remember when he gimme my first job here pumpin’ gas ‘fore he sold the station to Wally? Well anyway, like I says, Ed, he’s been helpin’ out here at the station, but Lucy, she’s gotta mind their hardware store all the time now and what with Ed helpin’ out here at the Wally’s its real hard on her with their new baby--ain’t she the cutest little thang? Did you see her pitcher in the paper? She’s the cutest little thang, ain’t she? I get the paper by mail at Camp Henderson but it don’t matter none that its a week old when I get it ‘cause I ain’t heard nothing about what’s going on back home anyway. . . but Wally, he thought it’d be a good idear that we outta keep it a secret that I was coming back here to Mayberry on account of I wanted to surprise Goober--

ANDY: But Gomer--what are you doing back in Mayberry?

GOMER: Well, its near the end of my hitch in the Marine Corps. An’ its been such a long time since I been back home, and I got some leave comin’ and Sergeant Carter--you ‘member Sergeant Carter? Sergeant Carter, he said I outta take my leave and so I figgered I’d come back here to Mayberry for my leave. . . . (Gomer stops, smiling broadly, surveying the scene in the gas station.)

BARNEY: What, Gomer?

GOMER: Ain’t this sumthin’? Me bein’ back here in Mayberry!

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. JAILHOUSE - DAY:

BARNEY: ‘A caller reported a man lying motionless in a barn and not responding to calls. Authorities arrived on the scene and upon investigation, discovered it to be an oil stain.’ (He folds the newspaper, looks up at Andy.) Ruth sure gets all the big news, huh?

ANDY: Yep, I reckon she does.

BARNEY: Hard work . . . bein’ a crime reporter.

ANDY: Yeah . . . . say, I’d better get the squad car over to Wally’s.

BARNEY: You want me to take it over?

ANDY: No, I’ll take it over.

BARNEY: I don’t mind, I’ll go.

ANDY: I don’t mind, either. I’ll go.

BARNEY: (Sitting up) It’s no trouble, Ange, I can take it over.

ANDY: No, that’s all right. I’ll take the squad car over to Wally’s.

BARNEY (Rising to his feet): But it’s no trouble. . .

ANDY: I’ll be right back. (He heads toward the door.) Mebbe Wally can give me a ride in the tow truck.

BARNEY (offended): Well, gee. . . .

ANDY: What?

BARNEY: If you don’t want me to take the squad car over to Wally’s, just say so.

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WALLY’S SERVICE STATION - DAY:

GOMER: Hey, Andy!

ANDY: Hey, Gomer.

GOMER: (Formally) Fill ‘er up, Sir?

ANDY (Getting out of the squad car): Well, look at you. (He slaps Gomer on the shoulder. Gomer continues smiling happily) Looks just like old times!

GOMER: Your oil’s lookin’ a little low, Andy. Want me to top her off fer ya?

ANDY: Sure. Then we got to have a look at that water pump. When do you think Wally can do it?

GOMER: Oh, well, Wally, he done took the day off. What with me helping out here an everthing. Ain’t no trouble. I’ll fix ‘er up for ya, Andy.

ANDY: I got to say, you sure look at home here, Gome. Glad you’re back in town. I’ll just walk on back to the courthouse. (Again, he slaps the happy Gomer on the shoulder, walking away.) See ya later, Gomer. (He pauses, stops, looks back to Gomer.) You sure do look happy here. (Gomer smiles sheepishly. Andy turns and walks away.)

GOMER: Say ‘hey’ to Barney for me, Andy!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. FLOYD’S BARBER SHOP - DAY

ANDY: Hey, Ed!

ED: Hey, Andy--(He gives Andy a worried look.) Just look at this, Andy. (He turns his head from side to side. Andy holds Ed’s chin, tilts his head for a better look up at his face.) See, Andy?

ANDY: Well, I do declare. . . (He studies Ed some more.) Well, lookee there. . . .

ED: What--what? (Ed looks from side to side nervously, trying to see the sides of his own head.)

ANDY: Well, will you look at that? (Ed looks increasingly worried.) Did you ever see anything like that in all your born days?

ED: What? What?

ANDY: Them sideburns--why, they’s almost even!

ANDY: Hey, Goob!

GOOBER: Hey, Andy!

ANDY: Just get back in town?

GOOBER: Yep. Just come here to pick up my mail before goin’ to the fillin’ station.

ANDY: Oh, so you ain’t been to the station yet. . . .

GOOBER: Naw, not yet . . . (He looks at Andy oddly, as if he is about to ask a question, and follows Andy into the barber shop.)

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

INT. FLOYD’S BARBER SHOP - DAY

BARNEY (mock urgency): Andy, you’re just in time--Floyd’s about to commit a crime!

ANDY: (going along with the joke) And what crime might that be, Barney?

BARNEY: Impersonatin’ a barber!

FLOYD: Oh, Andy, we were just talking about Gomer. (Andy vainly tries to signal to Floyd, but Floyd continues.) It seems that Gomer has come back to Mayberry!

GOOBER (confused): He’s what?

ANDY: It was supposed to be a surprise, Floyd.

FLOYD (Sheepishly): Oh, oh . . . . Goober . . . .

GOOBER: Gomer’s here?

ANDY: Yeah, he got here last night. I just took the squad car over to Wally’s for him to work on. Gomer sure is good with cars.

QUICK CUT TO:

HOWARD: I saw him earlier myself. He seems quite pleased to be here. You say he’s working on the squad car?

FLOYD: Oh, you’re in good hands, Andy! That boy is an artist! I . . . myself . . . I made an appointment. . . .

BARNEY: Floyd, stop yappin’ and start cuttin’!

FLOYD: (Now oblivious to Barney) Yes, an appointment. . . for "automotive maintenance." They do that. . . appointments. . . for automotive maintenance. . . Mt. Pilot, you know.

ANDY: You mean a tune-up? You made an appointment? You made an appointment for a tune-up?

HOWARD: I understand that these days that’s quite the trend in major urban centers.

FLOYD: An artist, that boy. . . yes. . . a true artist. . . and honest, too. . . yes, yes. . . pure integrity, that boy. . . his work is ideal. . . it’s just like Calvin Coolidge said: ‘There is no force so democratic as the force of an ideal."

ANDY: What’s that got to do with Gomer?

FLOYD: Democracy and ideals--he learned about democracy and ideals from the Marines . . . .

HOWARD: It’s certainly understandable that a young man would want to exchange the rigors of a disciplined military life for a more carefree existence here in Mayberry.

QUICK CUT TO:

FLOYD: He is an idealist, that boy--an ideal businessman! It’s just like Calvin Coolidge said ‘The business of America is business!’

BARNEY: (Vexed, his haircut now forgotten.) Everybody knows Calvin Coolidge didn’t say that, Floyd.

FLOYD: He didn’t?. . .Oh. . . (Floyd pauses.) Then what did Calvin Coolidge say?

BARNEY: He said less yappin’ and more cuttin’!

FADE OUT.

INT. DAY JAILHOUSE

BARNEY (sauvely): Hey there--Big Barn. (He pauses, shifting in his chair, clears his throat.) Well--put her on, then.

BARNEY (once again, Mr. Suave) Hey there. (He makes a kissing noise into the telephone.) Big Barn here. (He laughs softly. At this point, Andy quietly enters through the main door. Barney does not notice.) No . . . no . . . (He laughs softly again.) Well . . . If you insist . . . (He sings:) "Strangers in the night . . . exchanging glances . . . strangers in the night . . . . (He laughs softly again) Well . . . well, yeah . . . . How ‘bout Saturday night?

BARNEY: Ten-four! (He pauses.) Over and out! (Firmly, he hangs up.)

ANDY (An eyebrow raised, a teasing note in his voice.) And who was that?

BARNEY (Importantly): Official business!

ANDY: Sure sounded official to me, Deano.

ANDY: You and Thelma Lou makin’ other plans for tonight?

BARNEY (clears his throat again, mumbles): That . . . uhh . . . that wasn’t Thelma Lou.

ANDY: Well, now . . . .

BARNEY: (Uncomfortable, clearing his throat, mumbling): It was Juanita, down to the diner. . . I’m trin’ to let her down easy, Ange . . . but you know the appeal: A lawman in uniform . . . life of danger . . . .

OPIE: Well, it sure looks awful shiny to me, Aunt Bee.

AUNT BEE: Now, Opie you just never mind, that’s not the sort of thing you ask the preacher.

OPIE: I was just wonderin’ . . .

AUNT BEE: Now you just hush and stop ... (She puts the basket on Andy’s desk.) Honestly, Andy! I don’t know where this boy get these ideas!

ANDY: What ideas?

OPIE: About Reverend Tucker.

BARNEY: What about Reverend Tucker?

OPIE: Johnny Paul Jason says Reverend Tucker waxes his head and I was just wondering what kinda wax he uses.

AUNT BEE: Now, Opie . . . .

OPIE: Is it that kinda wax that you use on the squad car or the kinda wax Aunt Bee uses on the good furniture?

ANDY (trying not to laugh):Well, you and Johnny Paul Jason ought not to worry about Reverend Tucker’s head. ‘Specially not when you can join Barney and me in one of Aunt Bee’s lunches!

Opie visibly agrees, pulling himself up to the edge of his father’s desk to peek under the cloth covering the basket.

BARNEY: (Eyeing the basket): Well, what’s for lunch today, Aunt Bee?

AUNT BEE: (Spreads a cloth onto the desk, sets out dining implements. Andy and Barney lean toward the basket, looking at the items as Bee removes them.) We have ham salad sandwiches--two for you, Barney--(Barney smiles appreciatively), some potato salad. . . and some apple pie for dessert, and a few of those chocolate-chip cookies from Sunday--and best of all--(Bee removes a jar from the basket and holds it up proudly.)--some home-made pickles!

(Andy, Barney, and Opie recoil.)

ANDY: (nervously) Well, lookee there Barn. Home-made pickles. . . .

AUNT BEE: Clara brought them over this morning. She made a double batch. (Andy and Barney look relieved. Aunt Bee removes the jar lid. Opie removes a pickle and munches. Barney begins eating a sandwich immediately.)

ANDY: Mm-mm! Ham salad!

AUNT BEE: I’ll come back later for the basket. Now you boys enjoy yourselves! (She turns toward the door) Now come along, Opie!

GOMER (Removing his hat): Hey, Aunt Bee!

AUNT BEE: Hello, Gomer! It’s so nice to have you back in Mayberry! (She pats his forearm and exits. Gomer waves.)

GOMER: Hey, Andy! Hey, Barney!

ANDY: Hey, Gomer.

GOMER: Goober says hey.

ANDY: Hey to Goober.

GOMER: Time fer lunch, huh? Well, I just come over to tell ya, squad car’s runnin’ but she ain’t fixed yet. Water pump’s plumb shot. Had to order ya a new pump. Should be in in a coupla days.

ANDY: Well, thank you, Gomer. Want to join us in a pickle?

Gomer agrees, removes a pickle from the jar, sits opposite Barney, munches happily as he continues to talk:

GOMER: Me and Cousin Goober was goin’ over to Mt. Pilot tonight. They gotta new movie that Goober’s been wantin’ to see, "The Monster from Lake Minnetonka." See it’s about this monster from Lake Minnetonka, and he’s the son of the Monster that ate Minnesoter and comes up outta the lake, y’know, and starts to eatin’ and eatin’ and everybody has to leave Minnesoter.

ANDY: Sounds like a good’n.

GOMER: Y’all wanna go with us? We can all fit in Goober’s truck, ‘cause we ain’t takin’ no girls with us, since Miss Lydia can’t go out tonight on account of her mama’s--

BARNEY (interrupting): We already got dates tonight, Gomer.

GOMER: Hmmm. . . . (He looks pensive, thinking hard.) That does present us a problem, there. Let’s see--(He counts on his fingers) There’s me, Cousin Goober, Barney, Thelma Lou, Andy and Helen . . . that’s six, right? (He pauses, thinking hard.) I don’t think six of us could hardly fit inta Goober’s truck. Lest some of ya want to ride in the back.

BARNEY: Goober, you don’t ask girls to ride in the back of a truck, ‘specially all the way to Mt. Pilot.

GOMER: Andy and me can ride in the back of the truck? Ya want to do that, Andy?

ANDY (Gently): Well, Gomer, I think what Barney is trying to say is, we already have plans for tonight.

BARNEY (Testily): And they ain’t for ridin’ in the back of a truck to Mt. Pilot!

GOMER (Sounding slightly hurt.): But we was goin’ to Morelli’s for pizzer, too. (Brightening:) It’s goin’ to be some evenin’!

ANDY(Conciliatory tone): Mebbe some other time, Gomer.

GOMER: Well, I guess. I got to go. Goober’s at the fillin’ station and I promised to go visit Grandma Pyle. (He goes to the door, opens it, then turns back to Andy and Barney.) Sure is getting’ busy down to Wally’s these days. If y’all change your minds, call Goober down to the station!

ANDY: Thanks, Gomer.

GOMER: Lots of luck to you and yours! (He waves, exits.)

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WALLY’S FILLING STATION - DAY

GOOBER: Hey, Tom. Filler up?

TOM: Hey, Goober. Where’s Gomer?

GOOBER: He’s over to Grandma Pyle’s.

TOM (Disappointed): Oh. . . I was hopin’ he could look at my carburetor. When you see Gomer, tell him I’ll be back. See you later, Goober.

Tom drives away before Goober can respond.

MED. SHOT:

CLOSE SHOT:

ANDY: Gomer sure is good with cars.

FLOYD: An artist, that boy. . . yes. . . a true artist . . . .

HOWARD: It’s certainly understandable that a young man would want to exchange the rigors of a disciplined military life for a more carefree existence here in Mayberry.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. BLUEBIRD DINER - NIGHT

HELEN: Well, I thought it was a wonderful film.

BARNEY: Aw, but it was just so unrealistic.

ANDY: Why d’ya say it was unrealistic, Barn?

BARNEY: Aw, c’mon, Andy. Everybody knows that there ain’t no way . . .

GOMER: Well, it was a good’n but it warn’t quite as good as The Monster that Ate Minnesoter.

GOOBER: I got to get me somethin’ to eat. That there pizza just didn’t stick with me.

GOMER: Hey, ever’body!

GOMER: Mind if we join ya?

THELMA LOU: Did you fellows enjoy the movie in Mt. Pilot?

GOMER: Oh, but we sure did. Y’see, it was about the monster that ate Minnesoter only it watn’t the monster that ate Minnesoter, it was the Monster from Lake Minnetonka. The monster that ate Minnesoter was his daddy.

BARNEY (Rolling his eyes): Oh, brother.

GOMER: No, it warn’t his brother, it was his daddy, I’m pretty sure of that. Anyway, they was this monster, see, and he come up outta the lake, trying to get revenge on the folks what killed his daddy in The Monster that Ate Minnesoter. So he come up outta the lake and started eatin’ everything in sight.

GOOBER: All this talkin’ about eatin’ is makin’ me awful hungry. (To waitress:) I’ll have two chili burgers with an order of fries, onion rings and a chocolate milk shake. And a strawberry ice cream sundae--with pickles.

GOMER: (Shaking his head): Ain’t that something? How he can just eat and eat and eat? Me, now if I was to eat like that--

THELMA LOU (Indicating the waitress, waiting politely for his order): I think Olive wants to know what you want to eat, Gomer.

GOMER: Aw, well, shucks, I ain’t that hungry. We already done had pizza at Morelli’s. Guess I’ll just have one of them strawberry ice cream sundaes, but without the pickles. You shoulda seen that pizza Goober had . . . why it was the biggest dang thing--

GOOBER (Resentfully): Well, don’t make me sound like some kinda glutton, Gomer.

GOMER: And you know what he had on it? (Counts on his fingers:) Anchovies, hot peppers, barbecue sauce and dill pickles. Now how’s that fer a pizza?

ANDY: Sounds . . . interesting.

BARNEY (Rolling his eyes again): Yeah, I’ll have to try that one sometime.

GOMER (Suddenly excited): Hey, ‘member somethin’? ‘Member how Goober used to take off on Cary Grant? Don’t he do Cary Grant real good? C’mon Goober, take off on Cary Grant for us!

GOOBER: Naw . . . .

GOMER: He takes off on Cary Grant real good. Helen, you ain’t never seen Goober take off on Cary Grant before, have ya?

HELEN (Awkwardly): No, I don’t believe I have . . . .

GOOBER: Will ya do Chester for us Goober? Do Chester for us!

GOOBER: Naw . . . .

GOMER: And he does the best Edward G. Robinson. . . why, you could close yer eyes and you’d swear that Edward G. Robinson hisself was right here in the room with ya. G’wan, everbody close your eyes! G’wan (he gestures) G’wan, close yer eyes.

GOMER: (Really excited now): Now Goober’s gonna do Edward G. Robinson for ya, and you’d just swear that Edward G. Robinson was right here in the room with ya!

GOOBER: Naw . . . .

GOMER: He always says that...c’mon, do Edward G. Robinson for us.

GOOBER (A little testily): I don’t want to, Gomer.

GOMER: C’mon, then do Cary Grant for us. He takes off on Cary Grant real good. Just wait till he says "Judy-Judy-Judy!" C’mon Goober, take off on Cary Grant for us!

GOOBER (Now angry, loudly): I don’t want to do it!

Slowly, camera zooms to Goober’s face. Musical bridge as we

FADE TO BLACK.

EXT. STREET SCENE - DAY

INT. JAILHOUSE - DAY

ANDY: Mornin’, Barney. (He goes back to sorting papers.)

BARNEY (Tight-lipped.) Good morning.

ANDY (Sighs, looks up to Barney): You wanna tell me about it?

BARNEY (snaps): I don’t wanna talk about it.

ANDY: Okay.

BARNEY: We was havin’ a perfectly good evening, and then those two come in and start bickerin’ --

ANDY: Well, what was we supposed to do?

BARNEY: I’m just sayin’ that them two ruined a perfectly good evenin’--

ANDY: Well, whaddaya want me to do?

BARNEY: Well, you got to do somethin’ that’s for sure! We can’t be out with our girls and then--

GOOBER: You got to do somethin’, Andy! You got to do somethin’!

ANDY: About what? Whaddaya want me to do?

GOOBER: About Gomer. You got to do somethin’ about Gomer, Andy! He’s down there at Wally’s workin’ on the squad car--

ANDY: He’s just changin’ the water pump.

GOOBER: He’s come back here to take my job, Andy! He’s tryin’ to get his old job back at the fillin’ station! Andy, he’s tryin’ to take my job—you got to do somethin’!

ANDY: Well, whaddaya want me to do?

GOOBER: You got to tell him, Andy, you got to tell him!

ANDY (Shaking his head): No, no Goob—you got to do somethin’. Noo . . . now you and Gomer need to talk this thing out.

GOOBER: But I can’t, Andy. Evertime I’m around his he’s talkin’ and talkin’ and talkin’ and I can’t get a word in edgewise—you got to tell him, Andy!

GOMER: Hey, Andy! Hey, Barney! (He notices Goober.) Hey, Goober!

Barney (Suddenly nervous): I got out go out on patrol! (Quickly, he goes to the door and exits.)

GOMER: Andy, I just come over to tell ya, squad car’s ready. She’s sitting out front. Got yerself a new water pump. Gave her a good wash fer ya, too. Even though it is gonna rain.

ANDY: It’s gonna rain?

GOMER: Sure is. Cows is a-layin’ down in the fields. Maple leaves is a-turnin’ over. And you saw all them sparrows sittin’ on the telephone lines? ‘fore it rains, air get real heavy and they don’t like to fly. (Gomer looks at his feet, shuffles.) Bus don’t run to Raleigh on Sundays, and I don’t want to hitchhike in the rain. (Sounds of thunder outside the courthouse.) See, there she is. Andy, can you gimme me a ride to the airport in Raleigh tomorrow?

GOOBER (Suspiciously): Why you gotta go to the airport?

GOMER: Well, I got to get back to Camp Henderson. (Gomer looks at his feet again.) I’m gonna sign up for another hitch in the Marines.

(Harmonica music comes up, close shot to Goober, his face softening.)

GOOBER: You mean—you ain’t come home to stay?

GOMER: (Looks at his feet, then back up at Goober and Andy, speaking in an almost apologetic tone): Sure was nice bein’ home and all. . . even if it was just fer a visit. . . but, well. . . the Marine Corps, well. . . that’s my home now.

GOOBER: I’ll give ya a ride to the airport tomorrow, Gomer. We can go right after church. . . maybe we could go see another movie, too.

GOMER: Maybe that one about Crab Monster?

GOOBER (Excited now, his anger forgotten): I sure do like Crab Monster! Did I show ya that new comic book I got?

FADE TO BLACK.

TAG:

EXT. FRONT PORCH ANDY’S HOUSE - DAY

BARNEY: Boy, we sure packed her away today, huh?

ANDY: Yeah, we sure did.

BARNEY: Good roast beef. . . . real good.

ANDY: ‘Bout the best Aunt Bee’s ever made.

BARNEY (Closing his eyes): Yeah. . . .

ANDY: Yep . . . (He closes his eyes.) Yeah . . . .

BARNEY: Wanna go down to the fillin’ station and get a bottle of pop?

ANDY: Can’t.

BARNEY: Why not?

ANDY: Fillin’ station’s closed. Goober’s takin’ Gomer to the airport in Raleigh.

BARNEY (Closing his eyes again): Oh. . . to the airport.

ANDY: Let’s just sit here a spell.

FADE TO BLACK

THE END